Fiction Short: Sheila

The house was a mess when I got home, a little before 4. Sheila was surely asleep, as she usually was. I walked through the living room, a bowl of pocorn tipped over, a bottle empty beer bottles all around, a cigarette still smoldering in the ash tray. Don't worry, I put it out.

The TV had the DVD menu screen on but the DVD tray was open and empty. If she'd been watching a movie, I had no idea what it was. The heater clicked on and I realized how warm it was inside. Or, maybe that was my way of acknowledging how cold it was, outside. Whatever. I went to the thermostat and dialed it down some.

I was strategic in my turning off of things. One by one, lights went out, devices shut off. I got a drink in the kitchen and headed to bed.

Sheila was asleep on her stomach, like she was a lot. Naked. She hated sleeping in clothes. She said the feel of cloth and fabric rubbing against her skin as she tossed and turend woke her up. She looked great from above and behind in the pale light, what was left of the moon trickling in through the curtains, its light mixing with the light from the streetlight across the street.

I remember the fist time I saw her ass. It was firmer than this but, just as round. The years had gone by since high school...our 20-year reunion was a few years away. She still got my dick hard, just smiling. When she smiled. I rubbed my hand along her bare leg. Her skin felt smooth. Cool. My pants came off, I spit in my hand, I was ready.

She'd said, earlier in the year, I remember, that it was okay. She was passed out a lot then. We talked about both. As for the drinking, she kept saying she was gonna' do something about it. She never did. I remember giving her CPR once, cuz she'd quit breathing...after choking on her own puke.

As for the sex, she never wanted it when she was sober. I tried not to take it pesonal. She never meant what she said. I knew that. I know she loved me. She had to, right? With all I did?

She said it was okay for me to get a fuck in, now and then, if she was passed out. She said she liked it better that way, but, the way she said it, I knew she was only joking. She was just like that. I guess it was all cuz she loved me, you know, wanted to make sure I felt good.

She liked it a lot at first. We met in high school. I wasn't special but I wasn't nobody neither. Played some sports. Hooked up with some girls at parties. Got good enough grades to get by. Sheila, she was, like, a star. People talked about her all the time. Wanted to hang with her. Be seen with her. She was one of those, you know, who turned heads when they entered a room. A guy couldn't drink a soda and walk by her without spilling it all over himself.

I'd hurt for days. Walk funny. She rode me raw. I had to learn to hold it, quick, cuz, if I didn't, I'd have been done. She didn't take to none of that coming early stuff. I had to adapt. I did.

We got married. I worked three jobs for that, you know, just for the ring. She couldn't have just any ring. Her dad paid for most. Tradition, I guess, that's what dad's do they say. I was good with that since I could barely afford the ring.
The wedding was big. Saw lots of people I hadn't seen since we graduated. It was nice. We were happy. It lasted a while.

Five or six years ago the modeling work dried up. She'd always done some on the side. Swore it was more a hobby than anything but, I knew it mattered to her. Then she got let go by her boss. She'd been his executive assistant for years. More a personal assistant if you asked me with all the shit she'd have to do, sometimes at all hours of the night. He just let her go. She was mad. Wouldn't talk about it much. I guess he hired some young girl, right out of college.

She'd always been a drinker. Hell, I remember even back in high school Sheila could drink some guys I knew under the table. Not only that, but she'd still be in shape do jump on the table, dance and stip down to her undies without falling off. That was something!

She drank more after we lost the baby. She cried a lot. Course, it didn't help that came about the time she lost her job. She slept for days. I've always been good about picking up, so, that part wasn't too bad. She made a lot of messes, but, I followed behind, did what I could.

I was working overtime, picked up a second job. Did odd jobs. You know, for a woman like Sheila, you do what you can. She needs stuff. A man who can't giver her what she needs, well...isn't that what a husband is for?

I spit in my hand and slid inside her, from behind. It'd been a while. It felt good, easing my way in...going deeper, deeper. I was tired but I was horny too and this time, horny won out. I started flexing my hips, rocking back and forth.
When we were first married, she'd scuk me off so hard that I'd get lightheaded. It was like she was not just sucking me off, but, like, she was sucking the whole damn life outta' me! I was alweays worried she'd hurt something.

There's that skin smacking sound you get when you know you're doing it right, when you really get going. I had that going real good. Smacking away. When it got good like that, I thought back a lot, I'd dream to when we were younger, I could see her laughin', the wind blowin' in her hair.

I don't remember finishing. Not really. I just remember the sun coming in through the curtains, hitting me in the face. It was mid morning, I guess. It was Saturday, so, I only had the night job. I got to sleep in on the weekends. That wasn't so bad.

I stumbled to the bathroom and drained myself. My head hurt. Well, not my head really, more like my neck, like I slept wrong or something. I stumbled off into the kitchen to see about breakfast. I thought I heard her in there but, I was wrong. Everything was off, like it had been last night, when I left it.

In the bedroom I found her laying the same way, there on the bed, on her stomach. I knew when I looked at her. She was whiter than white, her lef arm hanging off the side of the bed was all bruised looking from all the blood that had been pulled down and pooled in it. I put my hand on her leg. It still felt smooth...as smooth as ever but now it was like icce. Cold. Colder than it was last night.


Copyright 2011, M.R. Caffery. All rights reserved.

No Benefits for You.....If You Use Drugs!!!

A common post floating around Facebook goes something like this:

Kentucky just passed the best law ever. To be on Food stamps, Medicaid,or Cash Assistance on your Children or yourself You have to pass a DRUG Test. I think every other state should require the same! I feel for those children whose parents cannot pass a drug test, but think it's a great requirement for assistance.


It's an interesting post for many reasons, one of which is, it's only sorta-kinda' true.
 
http://www.snopes.com/politics/medical/kentucky.asp
 
But even if it was absolutely true...is that a good thing? I think not. Herein, with your indulgence, I'll explain why.
 
 
We Love Our Drugs
 
 
We love our drugs in America. We really, really do. It's true. We take a lot of them, we romanticize them, we glamorize them...drugs are what keep us going.
 
Let's start out by taking a look at our use of drugs. How many people reading this need a boost of caffeine every day to get them going? Raise your hands! We all know people like this. Folks who need their coffee, their Red Bull, their triple shot of espresso. Caffeine is a drug. So too, nicotine, the main ingredient in tobacco. Sure, smoking is down these days but how many people out there know someone who smokes? Yeah? Me too.
 
In 2009, USA Today reported that, as of 2005, some 10% of Americans were on antidepressants. That's just one class of "legal" drug we use a lot of. We Americans have drugs for everything, from inducing an erection to solving the riddle of restless leg syndrome.
 
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-08-03-antidepressants_N.htm
 
We take drugs for everything.  Kid is too hyper? He needs drugs.  Having trouble falling asleep? You need drugs.  Get nervous before a speech...you need drugs! Ours is a culture based on drugs and drug use and I haven't even brought up the illegal kind.
 
Of course, we use the illegal stuff too.  I know people who do. I know folks who've used "E" and pot.  I know folks who've smoked "shroons" and dropped acid. I even know a few drug addicts.  Most of the folks I know aren't...they're just recreational users, but, still....they use drugs.  They use the "bad" kind. I'm sure you know folks who use too. Pot use seems so prevalent that most people I know don't really see it as a "bad" drug anymore....
 
It's not that we use drugs all the time but, you & I both know that we glamorize their use. Drugs are cool man! Just look at the stories we tell! Just look at our celebrities!
 
I'm a member of Generation X, that poor generation sandwiched between the Baby Boomers and Generation Y. Many of the heroes of my generation are drug users. 
 
Floyd from True Romance. Bill & Ted. Cheech & Chong. Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Wayne & Garth from Wayne's World. Captain Jack Sparrow is cool when he's sober...but isn't he more fun when he's had a bit of rum in him? Neo sees the world we all see...until he takes a pill. Then he sees the truth. Nancy Botwin looks like a normal housewife in suburbia but what makes her stand out is that she's a drug dealer....
It's not that we just like our stories about drugs and that many drug users are heroes of ours...think Breaking Bad, the Dude from The Big Lebowski, Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Gregory House, etc., but we love our celebrities for using drugs. No.  We do! We really do!
 
What would reality TV be without Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew? Seriously. We love that show. Why? Cuz there are drug addicts on it. Rich, successful, beautiful junkies. We love that.
 
We love hearing about Paris Hilton's blow and Lindsay Lohan's continuing travails. TMZ can't get enough and we watch it because, frankly, we can't get enough either. Will LiLo kick the habit? What's the office betting pool on her getting another drug arrest? Will Tom Sizemore ever be able to act again or will he always be a slave to his drugs? How much blow did Charlie Sheen do over the weekend with his hookers in New York?
 
We love this stuff.
 
And, frankly, folks who've done the drugs and lived to tell the tale....we love them too! They're like, amazing! I don't know how many times I've joked about Keith Richards. I'm sure a lot of us have. Guy's a freak, right? To have done so many drugs and still be alive! Ozzy Osbourne too! In fact, scientists are amazed the Wizard of Oz is still alive.  So much so, they've actually studied him. True story!
 
http://news.discovery.com/tech/dna-test-could-explain-why-ozzy-osbourne-is-still-alive.html
 
We love Anthony Hopkins for his well-worn face.  He's an ex alcoholic. We love that Mickey Rourke somehow survived his drug days and lived to get an Oscar. Steve Tyler? Ex-junkie. We see his battered mug and we admire him for all his "living". Robert Downey Jr.? Poster boy of ex-drug addict awesomeness & cool....
 
We love drugs. I rest my case.
 
 
Drugs and the Poor
 
What about poor people using drugs though? The whole Kentucky thing make it sound like, while we like our drugs, we don't like poor people using them. But, if you think about it, who better to use drugs than poor people?!  I figure there are several types of poor drug user & I don't think they're all made equally.
 
Above I alluded to the idea that we as a culture like drugs. I know a lot of people who use but not a lot of people I can consider an "addict". What about you? I know a lot of recreational druggies but, if you know some folks like that you know they're not in the same boat as full-blown addicts. When we test for drug use in poor populations we don't see a difference there, do we? We lump all those who use drugs alike even though we know that not all drug users are the same. My occasional pothead friends aren't meth addicts or crack addicts. The guy who can manage to just use coke once in a while, the girl who drops "E" at a party...they're not the same as the crackhead who lives in his own filth, right? Except, when we test people for drugs, we make a statement that they are all, truly, one in the same.
 

Even all addicts aren't the same, are they"? We all know or have heard of "functional" addicts...folks who are addicted to drugs but can still get stuff done. They're not the ones we usually think of when we think of addicts, of course, but, they're out there. When we lump all drug users together, we fail to see nuance & difference. We treat everyone the same.
 
Why would poor people take drugs? Well, my simplistic theory is that there are Drug Users BP and Drug Users AP.  Let me explain.
 
Drug Users BP are drug users who've started using drugs before poverty.  Drug Users BP may have been pulled into poverty by their drug use. Drugs are illegal.  They're expensive. So, it's not hard to see how some people may wind up in debt & seeing their lives unravel due to using them. A really bad addiction or habit is something that will easily put somebody in the poor house.
 
Not everyone who's poor got poor by using drugs though. Some folks may not start using until after they're poor. Why's that, you ask? Well, being poor kinda' sucks.
 
We know being poor hurts life expectancy:
 
http://www.businessweek.com/lifestyle/content/healthday/634465.html
 
We know that the poor tend to suffer more from violent crime in most places:
 
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2006/apr/18/socialexclusion.crime
 
Not only are you more likely to die young being poor, but you are more likely to have all sorts of health problems while you're alive:
 
http://articles.cnn.com/2006-08-29/health/poverty.health_1_health-insurance-poverty-health-care?_s=PM:HEALTH
 
 
Being poor is stressful! If you weren't a Drug User BP, you could easily be a Drug User AP...if only to try & get you through the stress of being poor in the first place. After all, don't a lot of us non-poor people use drugs to alleive stress?  You know we do.
 
 
 
Drug Users Aren't Humans
 
It's not that we don't use drugs though, it's just that, we don't think of drug users as human. We may use drugs too but we're not the same as those drug users out there, are we? If you're a poor person who uses drugs you're not human. You just aren't. You can't shoot a crackhead or a methhead, can you? They just won't die. Potheads are slobs, they're slugs, they're leeches on society. All they do is take up space while the rest of us work our asses off. They're not humans.
 
Junkies don't have feelings. They're vampires, constantly looking for a fix. Interesting....aren't we obsessed with vampires? Vampires are drug addicts too....
 

We don't think much of drug addicts...blame our Puritan past. We don't see drug abuse as a biological or psychological issue. It's a moral failing, is what it is. It's a sign of weakness & debauchery. Any real man can hold his liquor, right? But a drunkard...well, he's just weak. If you become an addict...well, it's clearly your problem...your weakness.
 
How many neighborhoods want a methadone clinic nearby? None. How about a halfway house? Nope. Folks hate drug users. They don't want them close to them, even if, in many cases, they're using drugs themselves. Not only do we hate drug users but we hate helping them.
 
When money's tight, don't be surprised to hear that drug treatment cuts cut by budgets all over the place. Junkies are not pretty. Polar bears, yes, junkies, no. We can do something about global warming because polar bears are warm & fuzzy, but doing something about drug addicts...well, let's cut that. We don't want to help "those people."
 
Why's that? Because, drug users just aren't human.
 
No. They're less than human. Fragile. At the bottom of the social barrel (if they're poor). They're our worst nightmare, aren't they? They're the living embodiment of human weakness & frailty. They're what we all can become & it's because of that that we can't see them as human.
 
 
What is Public Assistance For?
 
 
What is public assistance for, really? It's to help those who can't help themselves, right? How does denying aid to folks who fail a drug test accomplish that mission? Simply put, it doesn't. Not even close.
 
No one wants to see someone live off public aid, right? We all want to see people stand on their own two feet & get by. Taking aid away from drug users helps...how? If you can't afford food or bills, can you afford treatment? If you're living in poverty, can you get off of drugs? Certain people can & their life stories get made into TV movies shown on Lifetime but many folks cannot. What happens to them? Or, do we even care?
 
Instead of taking help away from people, maybe we can be giving them more? Maybe we can be making more low-cost treatment centers available. Maybe we keep people on public assistance who go to counseling & show they are really trying.  Maybe we try to help others instead of making life harder for them.
 
You ever hear people talk about how they made it, how, they raised themselves up by their boot straps...as if what they have done is equally applicable to everyone else? That kind of talk is always used to deny aid to those less fortunate. Why? Because we don't like to think that "there but for the grace of God go I"....
 
 
 
If We Don't Give, They Will Take
 
People who need aid will still need aid whether we give it to them or not. The simple fact of us denying aid will not make the need go away. What then?
 
History teaches us that those who need things, if they can't get what they need given to them, they will go out & take what they need instead. It's the human thing to do, really. It's called survival.
 
The mom who's an addict who can't get benefits starts turning tricks. The young man who can't get benefits starts a career as a burglar or a car thief. If you can't get what you need, you have to do something. All too often that becomes theft & crime.
 
We may think we are saving money by kicking poor drug users off of Welfare rolls but we will pay for them in the end, one way or another.
 
 

 
Christian Values
 
One of the things Americans like to go on & on about it is how we're a "Christian country". Would Jesus kick drug users off of Welfare rolls? Or, would he give them more help?
 
Not being a Christian, I don't have an answer to that question but I think the question bears asking. What is the "Christian thing" to do? I've always assumed that it was to give "Christian charity" & help others. But, I'm not a Christian. I could be wrong.
 
I think it interesting that a lot of very religious people I know may talk about how to help others in church on Sunday, only to turn around & actively seek to take away benefits from some of the people who need it most. I find that fascinating.
 
 
An Atheist's Take
 
I think this life is it. I see no life beyond this one. I'm an atheist & my lack of religious faith, I think, informs my view on these things. Let me take a minute to explain why.
 
I think we're born, we live, we die. That's it. I think we all have this in common. I believe that the only meaning we find in our lives is the meaning we give to our lives. That's it. I don't think there's some larger objective point to it all.
 
Some people will live good lives, some will live bad lives, all will die & at death, I believe, we all will be extinguished...for eternity.
 

 
My view makes a lot of the things I see on a daily basis totally absurd. A lot of the things we strive for, a lot of the things we do, both to ourselves & others, are utterly pointless & ridiculous.
 
I've always liked the Buddhists in terms of philosophy. Buddhism teaches that we are all trapped in existence together, born to suffer. The goal is to minimize suffering, not only for ourselves but for others. One of the key virtues to a Buddhist is the virtue of compassion. I've always liked that. I've always believed in that.
 
Since you & I are born to live & die, what does it pain me to give you some compassion? Where is the hurt to me to offer you some solace, to extend to you a helping hand?
 
Would a law keeping people from public aid for using drugs ultimately help them or hurt them? I think the latter, without a doubt. To me, on this simple premise, I could never ever stomach such a bill.